


killer date

by YunJun



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Comedy, Human AU, M/M, Mentions of Murder, crack taken (a little) seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-24 06:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19167955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YunJun/pseuds/YunJun
Summary: When you are a serial killer dating can be hard but it shouldn’t be impossible (Seidou just wants a normal date, for once).





	killer date

In a quaint little cafe on a busy street in the bustling city of Tokyo worked a pretty red haired waitress. Well, her hair leaned more toward orange but people tended to call that kind of colour red. She wasn’t remarkably beautiful either. Above average sure, but she was not the type who would ever be asked to model by the shady guy on the street corner.

This story is, however, not about the waitress Yoriko Kosaka. It is about a set of events that were set in motion at the location of her second job, a restaurant on the opposite end of the city. To get there Yoriko had to switch trains three times, which had seemed like a daunting task in the beginning but was now something that she was used to. This set of events that would one day become unmeasurably disastrous were not something that she was aware of, but you really couldn't blame her for that considering that not even those most intricately involved were in any way aware of what would one day happen.

No, right now Takizawa Seidou’s biggest concern was whether or not this ‘Houji’ person had brought a coat to their date or not. Because it was cold and he’d rather no be forced to steal one again. It might not even matter though, because he doubted he’d actually leave the restaurant with the man. Whenever he had managed to land a date in the past they had all had two things in common

1) They had been older than him and

2) They had been either incredibly sleazy or incredibly shady

Somehow he always attracted a certain type of people, and they were not the type he wanted to attract. Seidou could still vividly remember the uncomfortable evening he spent answering a crazy green haired lady’s questions about his opinions on increasingly obscure horror literature, or the doctor who was at least twice his age and probably twice as rich who kept inquiring about his health like he was planning to sell his organs on the black market or something.

Well, it didn’t really matter if that doctor- who’s name he couldn’t remember for the life of him, but which probably started with a K- had had malicious intentions, because right now his body was rotting away in the woods. Seidou hoped that the maggots didn’t find him too disgusting to devour, and that no one would come looking for him anytime soon. He didn’t like killing his dates but that case was just too creepy to ignore. When they had finished dinner the man had kept fucking insisting to walk him home, so in the end Seidou resigned himself to stabbing him in the neck with a pointy glass shard in the next deserted alley he could find and leaving the body behind a dumpster while he went home for a well deserved eight-hours of sleep before returning to clean that mess up.

So it was only natural that he was not incredibly optimistic about this date either. There was one reason that he still agreed to it anyhow and it was because somehow that cursed dating site had managed to neatly gather all of his browser history on murder methods, even when he was one hundred percent sure that he had researched it all in incognito mode. He wasn’t sure how, or even why. But it had got to mean something, so he had decided to give it a chance. Not that he believed anyone could meet their match by having a matching browser history; that just sounded silly. Still, he wondered what kind of person Houji Kousuke was. For what reason did he posses such an… odd browser history? Was he too…?

He peered around the corner, eyes scanning over the interior until they landed on Houji. He looked well put together, handsome and he was on time too. Which didn’t automatically make him a good person- Seidou had met assholes who managed to keep up an immaculate appearance before- but it qualified him for spending an evening with Seidou. Wow, that sounded incredibly conceited even in his own mind. He shook his head and approached the table.

“Hi!” With a little wave and his best smile he pulled out the chair opposite of Houji’s and sat down. Houji echoed his greeting, a slight smile enchanting his attractive features.

“How about we start with drinks? Pick anything you’d like, I’m paying.” He pushed a drink menu over the table towards Seidou. It was made of thick cream-coloured paper, swirling golden patterns in the corners. Every item was written starting with a big, cursive letter followed by equally cursive writing in a tinier font. Seidou’s eyes travelled over the menu, one finger following his gaze downwards. He didn’t want anything strong, because he knew better than anyone else how clouded his judgement was when under influence.

If he got a glass of wine it might be fine, he could drink it really slowly and make it last the entire dinner. And if it ran out too quickly he’d bail. Yeah, that sounded like a plan.

“Prosecco.” He gave the menu over to the waitress, who nodded quickly and then turned toward Houji to take his order. Houji just shook his head, telling her that he didn’t need anything and asking her to bring out the menu for food. When he finished speaking he smiled again just slightly, causing the waitress to practically skip away with a red face. Which was stupid, because she wasn’t even the one on a date with the man- Seidou, too, would have loved to be able to lose his composure over that smile but he had an entire evening to get through and at this point he was absolutely positive he was cursed to only go on dates with weirdos and he was just waiting for Houji to reveal something about himself that would make him an unsuitable lover to the max. Like being a pyromaniac, or a member in a cult, or having a hobby of collecting garden gnomes in memory of his dead daughter. 

“Not drinking?” Seidou asked, careful to keep his tone light. Some people got offended by the slightest of things after all.

“I prefer to keep a clear head on the first date.” Houji said sheepishly, but he looked very composed so it didn’t really seem sheepish except for the way his smile looked a little more strained and his tone changed. Damn it! Seidou would have done that too, if he had thought it a viable option. By now it was too late to return the drinks he had already ordered.

It seemed a little odd to him how Houji had offered to buy him drinks even though he himself wasn’t having anything. Either he really was just that generous, but Seidou had learnt not to believe the best of people, so he was going to assume Houji was trying to get him drunk.Maybe he could get away with not touching the wine?

“And yet you offered to buy me ‘anything I want’. You aren’t too concerned with money.” He used air quotes for the ‘anything I want’, ending it in a curious cuckle.

“I suppose not. It’s not an issue.” Houji had been resting his head in his palm, which now moved upwards a bit to rub at his neck “My books have been doing well lately.” He finished lamely.

“You write?” Seidou leaned forward a bit. An opportunity to shift the topic from himself was always welcome, and now he was genuinely curious. “What kind of things?”

“Thriller mystery novels. Sorry, I assumed you were an author too because of the” Houji paused for a moment “way the site is set up.” He continued, eyebrows rising just a tiny bit in surprise. Seidou cursed internally but plastered a smile onto his face nonetheless. Now he would have to come up with a reasonable excuse as to why he was googling murder methods, and something made him doubt Houji would react well to a sudden confession to murder from someone he met online two days ago and saw face to face for the first time a few minutes ago. Could he pretend to be a really dedicated horror movie fan? Seidou though he was a fairly good actor, but he also had a slight narcissistic streak and the temptation of bringing ‘those’ cases up over dinner with a handsome author? That was tempting, even more so than the free food that made him come here in the first place.

“Ah, you see, um, there has been that serial killer case going around and, eh I was” What word? What kind of fucking word does Seidou place here? What words would a normal person put here?

“Curious” Curious? Wow, that didn’t seem morbidly freaky at all. But Houji looked at him with understanding, and Seidou technically wasn’t lying. He was just leaving out the teeny-tiny detail that he was the one behind it all.

“That’s understandable. Humans does tend to have a fascination with death. I can understand that kind of curiosity, my occupation relies on coming up with creative murder methods after all.” Seidou nodder vigorously at Houji. The man had basically just justified Seidou’s odd search history without him having to do a thing about it. He felt around for the glass of sparkling wine that had been placed down sometime during their conversation, not taking his eyes off of Houji.

Their conversation drifted on naturally, floating from one topic to the other throughout dinner. Ok so perhaps Houji was a little too interested in the concept of murder, but Seidou didn’t see it as a reason to complain. If anything it was an… interesting thing and an unexpected middleground for them. When they had polished off the main dish and dessert had been placed before them Seidou had drank three glasses of wine without thinking, and was getting bolder by the second. He scooped a lot of tiramisu cake up with his spoon, narrowly avoiding hitting himself in the face with the silverware instead of eating. If some of it got on his cheek and he caught Houji staring at it, then he didn’t say so.

Then, with the confidence of a man who has had just a bit too much to drink Seidou pointed his spoon at Houji and adopted a very serious expression. “Hey, so If you were to kill someone- hypothetically- how’d you do it?”

“Airshot between the toes. It simulates a heart attack, and leaves relatively little damning evidence to get rid of.” Houji said, far to quickly for it not to be something he hadn’t thought of before and Seidou swore he had never heard something hotter in his entire life. God, he couldn’t remember much afterwards as it was all an alcohol induced blur to him but he was fairly sure he practically melted right there like an overheated ice cream in a californian forest fire.

Houji offered to pay for everything, which Seidou had no protest against. He kind of suspected Houji had meant the entire dinner before and not just his drink when he said he’d pay. Which was great because the only reason Seidou had more money than your usual accountant was because he hated things going to waste- like the wallets of his victims.

Then they left, and Seidou’s judgement was still impaired so for that reason he accepted Houji’s offer to take him home- knowing that he was going to regret it in the morning, but right now he couldn’t fathom why.

Spoiler: it was because that meant Houji would know his address which, if he really was cursed, would suck. Majorly. Almost as much as losing one shoe of his favourite pair, because losing one was arguably worse than losing both. It felt like the remaining shoe was mocking him, where it stood in all it’s newly polished glory.

His date must have had something to drink too as the night went on, because his stoic demeanor had dropped just a bit. He even burst out laughing when they stepped outside- quickly covering his mouth with his hand to be respectful and yet he couldn’t stop chuckling about how Seidou’s coat looked too big on him. Seidou would have protested, if it wasn’t for the fact that it wasn’t actually his coat and saying “I didn’t choose the size” about a piece of clothing you allegedly owned was really weird. So he laughed along with Houji, stumbling on the sidewalk and clutching his arm until they arrived at his apartment.

When he fell asleep that night he made a mental note to himself to google” “Houji Kousuke” the next morning, and maybe-perhaps buy all of his books.

**Author's Note:**

> My friend sent me a lovely tumblr post about a dating site that matches people based on search history, and a writer and a serial killer get together.


End file.
